When I first came to Michigan I had just lost my 1st job, found out I was moving, and experienced my 1st panic attack, all in the span of one week. I felt like my whole world was upside down – but I was dealing with it on my own. I knew I had anxiety – I was afraid of much more than in the past, things like flying, fear of death, being in small spaces, and other random events. I also had chest pains almost everyday – which doctors confirmed was anxiety. I chose to ignore this, thinking it would pass, but it only got worse.

When I experienced my second attack 5 months later, I was at the gym and from being out of breath I became scared & it just escalated. That month I had also found out about an old friend who had committed suicide & had very severe depression/anxiety. During this panic attack my thoughts became extremely dark & hopeless. I was feeling out of my body – what I later learned is called depersonalization – and I thought I was going to die. Not die that second, but I felt so out of control of myself that I thought I was literally losing my mind and I would eventually meet the same fate as my old friend. These feelings were so real and intense that after that attack I spiraled into the worst depression I could imagine for 2 months. Before this, I had always been a very strong girl, who had been through a lot in my youth, but never even came close to what was happening to me.

I knew I needed help right away. In fact my life revolved around it. All of the blogs I read online were so negative and dooming about my condition and it made things worse. I saw a few other doctors when I was in L.A. visiting who helped me 1 day at a time. I was not eating, not sleeping, scared of everything triggering an attack, and I couldn’t make sense of anything in my life anymore. I felt crazy. It was dark. Finally I started to calm down a bit and started to take Paxil (10 mg) – the smallest amount. This is when I got the news of a new job and flew back to Michigan. I was terrified! So I made an appointment with Dr. Pravel & explained my situation, I was scared to drive, and I thought I would flip out during my first day on the new job. I got Dr. Pravel’s CDs and he told me that I was in control and he gave me a few pointers. I went to my new job and with a little anxiety made it through my first day. From then on, each day got better and better. Each success boosted my confidence a little bit more and made me more anxiety free. Each week I would come in and work with him. My chest pains (which I thought I was going to die from) went away magically, I was not so fearful of dying, and I even began to feel happiness again. I tapered off the Paxil to a ridiculously small amount (.25 mg) so I knew that it is more than drugs holding me.

Today I am much better than I was 6 months ago, but I am not like I was before. I still have to manage my thoughts and make sure not to make the same mistakes. This includes telling myself that it’s not the end of the world if I have an attack, or catching a thought before it becomes an obsession. Knowing that to avoid something only feeds the fear. And knowing that it’s just my anxiety which in my case came from loosing a job and moving to a new city. I know not to compare myself to anyone else either, so I try not to get depressed when I read about someone with an unfortunate situation. — Nikki